[IWE] As we demonstrate our gravitas

Ashton Brown iwe@warhead.org.uk
Wed, 10 Jan 2007 17:58:49 -0800

as adults.. stoically uncomplaining of the vicissitudes of rotating 
masses of sand and alloy -
resignedly, as the den smoker sees his last bead of poppy resin roll 
from the boule and into the pissoir of an adjacent user's cot -- just as 
he realizes that Ahmed will accept no more IOUs and -- when he does 
makes it back to his cold-water flat:
there will be that pesky wastrel with the arrogant twang! monopolizing 
the video soporific-tube once again: tryin to sell the indefensible to 
the (only recently) apoplectic ... why then, thoughts turn to

Garrison Keillor, who has some hints about the Manly/Womanly art of 
holding, folding and brandishing a fine replacement for TFTs, CRTs and 
stories-high Time-Square Sonytrons:


[. . .]

> You open it with a flourish and a ripple of newsprint, your buoyant 
> self-confidence evident in the way you turn the pages with a snap of 
> the wrist, taking in the gray matter swiftly, your eyes dancing over 
> the world's sorrows and moving on, crinkling the page, snapping it, 
> rolling it, folding the paper in halves and quarters, tucking it under 
> the arm or tapping it against the palm. Cary Grant, Spencer Tracy, 
> Jimmy Stewart, all the greats, used the newspaper to demonstrate cool. 
> Sitting and staring at the profile of Kerri ("Dreamer of dreams") 
> Jodhpur, 18, of Muncie, Ind., and her cat Snowball is not cool.
> A man at a laptop is a man at a desk, a stiff, a drone. Where is the 
> nobility here? He hunches forward, his eyes glaze, and beads of saliva 
> glitter in the corners of his mouth and make their way down his chin 
> as he becomes engrossed in the video of the fisherman falling out of 
> the boat. A newspaper reader, by comparison, is a swordsman, a 
> wrangler, a private eye. Holding a newspaper frees you up to express 
> yourself, sort of like holding a sax did for Coltrane. Just observe a 
> few simple rules.
> 1. If you want to make a serious impression, don't buy one paper, buy 
> three or four. A person walking into Starbucks with four papers folded 
> under his wing is immediately taken for a mogul. If he's young, he's a 
> software mogul. If he is unshaven and wearing pajamas under his 
> raincoat, he is an eccentric mogul, perhaps a Mafia kingpin.
> 2. Take your sweet time opening the paper. You already know what's in 
> it, boss man, you only read it so you'll know how much other people 
> know, so there's no big rush.
[ etc. ]

Bon appetit