[IWE] This looks like Peter's work....

Fri, 17 Oct 2008 16:50:19 -0400

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  To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign 
Majesty Queen Elizabeth  II

 In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent 
candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we 
hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective 
immediately.  (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English 
Dictionary.)  

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties 
over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which 
she does not fancy).  Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will 
appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.  

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.  A questionnaire may be 
circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.  

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following 
rules are introduced with immediate effect:   

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 
'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.'  Likewise, you will learn to spell 
'doughnut' without skipping half the letters,  and the suffix '-ize' 
will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.'  Generally, you will be expected 
to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.  (look up 'vocabulary').  

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises 
such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form 
of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let 
Microsoft know on your behalf.  The Microsoft spell-checker will be 
adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the 
elimination of  '-ize.'   

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.  

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, 
lawyers, or therapists.  The fact that you need so many lawyers and 
therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent.  Guns 
should only be used for shooting grouse.  If you can't sort things out 
without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready 
to shoot grouse.   

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything 
more dangerous than a vegetable peeler.  Although a permit will be 
required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will 
start driving on the left side with immediate effect.  At the same time, 
you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of 
conversion tables.   Both roundabouts and metrication will help you 
understand the British sense of humour.  

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been 
calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon.  Get used to it.    

8. You will learn to make real chips.  Those things you call French 
fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato 
chips are properly called crisps.  Real chips are thick cut, fried in 
animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.  

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually 
beer at all.  Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to 
as beer, and European brews of  known and accepted provenance will be 
referred to as Lager.  South African beer is also acceptable, as they 
are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can 
only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth 
- see what it did for them.  American brands will be referred to as 
Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of 
further confusion.  

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as 
good guys.   Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to 
play English characters.  Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English 
dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having 
one's ears removed with a cheese grater.   

11. You will cease playing American football.  There is only one kind of 
proper football; you call it soccer.  Those of you brave enough will, in 
time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American 
football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds 
or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).    

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball.  It is not reasonable to 
host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played 
outside of America .  Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world 
beyond your borders, your error is understandable.  You will learn 
cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the 
sting out of their deliveries.     

13. You must tell us who killed JFK.  It's been driving us mad.  

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's 
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all 
monies due (backdated to 1776).   

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with 
saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; 
plus strawberries (with cream)  when in season.  

God Save the Queen! 

*//*

-- 
"The problem with America is stupidity. I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?"

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<head>
</head>
<body bgcolor="#ffffff" text="#000000">
 To the citizens of the
United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth &nbsp;II 
&nbsp;
&nbsp;In
light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates
for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give
notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. &nbsp;(You should look up
'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.) &nbsp; 
&nbsp; 
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties
over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which
she does not fancy). &nbsp;Your new Prime
Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the
need for further elections. &nbsp; 
&nbsp; 
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. &nbsp;A questionnaire may be
circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. &nbsp; 
&nbsp; 
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following
rules are introduced with immediate effect: &nbsp;&nbsp; 
&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 
1.
The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,'
'labour' and 'neighbour.' &nbsp;Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut'
without skipping half the letters, &nbsp;and the suffix '-ize' will be
replaced by the suffix '-ise.' &nbsp;Generally, you will be expected to
raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. &nbsp;(look up 'vocabulary'). &nbsp; 

2. Using the same
twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an
unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such
thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your
behalf. &nbsp;The Microsoft spell-checker
will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and
the elimination of &nbsp;'-ize.' &nbsp;&nbsp; 
&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 
3. July 4th will no longer
be celebrated as a holiday. &nbsp; 
&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 
4.
You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers,
or therapists. &nbsp;The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists
shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. &nbsp;Guns should only
be used for shooting grouse. &nbsp;If you can't sort things out without
suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to
shoot grouse. &nbsp;&nbsp; 
&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 

5.
Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more
dangerous than a vegetable peeler. &nbsp;Although a permit will be required
if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. 
&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 
6.
All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start
driving on the left side with immediate effect. &nbsp;At the same time, you
will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of
conversion tables. &nbsp;&nbsp;Both roundabouts and metrication will help you
understand the British sense of humour. &nbsp; 
&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 
7.
The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. &nbsp;Get used to it. &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 
&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 
8.
You will learn to make real chips. &nbsp;Those things you call French fries
are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips
are properly called crisps. &nbsp;Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal
fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar. &nbsp; 
&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 
9.
The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer at all. &nbsp;Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred
to as beer, and European brews of &nbsp;known and accepted provenance will
be referred to as Lager. &nbsp;South African beer is also acceptable, as
they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it
can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British
Commonwealth - see what it did for them. &nbsp;American brands will be
referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold
without risk of further confusion. &nbsp; 
&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 
10.
Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good
guys. &nbsp; Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play
English characters. &nbsp;Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue
in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's
ears removed with a cheese grater. &nbsp;&nbsp; 
&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 
11.
You will cease playing American football. &nbsp;There is only one kind of
proper football; you call it soccer. &nbsp;Those of you brave enough will,
in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to
American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every
twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of
nancies). &nbsp; &nbsp; 
&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 
12.
Further, you will stop playing baseball. &nbsp;It is not reasonable to host
an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside
of America . &nbsp;Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond
your borders, your error is understandable. &nbsp;You will learn cricket,
and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out
of their deliveries. &nbsp; &nbsp;&nbsp; 
&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 
13. You must tell us who
killed JFK. &nbsp;It's been driving us mad. &nbsp; 
&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 
14.
An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
monies due (backdated to 1776). &nbsp;&nbsp; 
&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 
15.
Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with
saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and
cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) &nbsp;when in season. &nbsp; 

 
God Save the Queen!&nbsp; 

 

<pre class="moz-signature" cols="70">-- 
"The problem with America is stupidity. I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?"</pre>
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